


Burn For You

by LetThereBeDestiel



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, High School, High School play, M/M, secretly in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 12:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 7,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21118703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetThereBeDestiel/pseuds/LetThereBeDestiel
Summary: When the other lead in the high school play, Agatha, quits the part, Ms. Rowell casts his sworn enemy as his love interest instead. Now, Simon has to act alongside his his know-it-all, buttface classmate Baz if he wants the show to go on.Only, something is strange about Baz.And Simon is going to find out what it is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in a bit of a weird format as a thirty-day surprise in emails to my ex girlfriend, so the chapters are really short! Still I hope you can enjoy the unusual format and the fic :)

I stand in the middle of the auditorium and watch as I'm being dumped.  
I say _watch_, because I don't really have any part in it.  
The entire drama class pretending not to watch me aren’t a part of it. Ms. Rowell, our drama teacher who seems like she’s about to pass out, isn’t a part of it. Agatha sits me down in a front row seat and takes my hand with a gentle look in her eyes, like she’s about to break to me that I have a terminal disease. I tell her we can work things out, but I’m a little relieved when she says we can’t.

It’s over pretty fast.


	2. Chapter 2

Ms. Rowell is on the verge of something.

An emotional meltdown or a breakthrough - none of us is sure. I think she wants us to run the first scene again, but I can’t tell. She’s running around the stage, jumping from “this is a disaster” to “everything is under control” and back to “we’ll never manage to put the show up in time”.

“We’ll find someone else,” says Penny, watching her with a worried crease between her eyebrows.

“How?” I ask. “The play goes up in less than a month, and we barely got enough students to sign up to make a full cast.” Now, with Agatha gone, we’re short on one main role. “Even if we do manage to get someone to play Mable’s role, they’ll never be able to memorize the entire script on such short notice.”

Penny looks at me, her eyes narrowing slowly, and I can practically hear the gears in her head turn.

“So we bring someone who’s already in the cast,” she says, and now everyone is looking at each other like they might be the murderer in Clue. “Someone who’s been here every day, listening to you and Agatha practice the lines, not important enough to have a significant role of their own… Who’s expandable?”

Ms. Rowell’s eyes scan the room, searching. And then they stop and rest on someone at the very back of the stage.


	3. Chapter 3

“No way.”

“Way,” says Ms. Rowell. “You’re our only shot.”

“I’m a water cooler.”

“Which just makes it easier to find a replacement for you.”

“I’m a man!”

Penny scoffs at that. “Don’t be so hetero-normative, Basil.”

“Exactly,” smiles Ms. Rowell. “We can change the ‘she’s to ‘he’s. It doesn’t matter what your gender is as long as the story’s good, right?”

“No! No, I’m not doing this. He would never agree to this.” And he’s pointing at me. Straight at me.

“Simon?” Asks Ms. Rowell, and everyone turns to look at me.


	4. Chapter 4

Baz. She wants me to act in a school play, as the lead, with Baz. She wants me to sing to him _you’re a beautiful woman, alas\ your behinds are so flat, there’s no ass_.

Cold, top of the class, know it all Baz. I don’t want to sing to him. I want to sing to my girlfriend.

Who isn’t here. Because she needs to be someone’s now or something. And because I eat too much butter. She didn’t say that, but I’m convinced it has something to do with it.

“What do you say?” Asks Ms. Rowell, and there’s pure hope in her expression. I look at the others. Penny seems lost. Baz is hissing at me (like, actually hissing. I think he must be either a vampire or a cat). I look at our teacher, and I can see it in her eyes. _Be the hero, Simon. Save the day. _Well, what if I don’t want to be a hero? What if saving everyone else’s day means making my own really fucking shitty?

What would they do then?


	5. Chapter 5

Get fucked.

Apparently, the answer is get fucked. Because it’s been five days since I said no to that dumb suggestion, and everyone’s walking around the auditorium looking dejected (except for Baz. He’s still hissing).

We couldn’t find a replacement for Agatha. We found about twenty replacements for Baz – I have a feeling it was less about the part being easier and more because everyone would rather cover for Baz and his raw sexual magnetism (not my words), rather than play the lead with a badger-faced dumbass pickle (also not my words).

So eventually, I realize, I should do the right thing. Not because I want to be a hero. Not because I’m selfless, or even a good person. But because no one else will.

“I’ll do it,” I say. My voice is low, aimed at the stairs off stage, but they all hear. I turn to look at Baz – his mouth is the slightest bit agape, but he recovers quickly, locking his jaw and staring me down, like I had just sold him to a bunch of numpties and he’s coming back from the grave looking pissed. He can be so fucking dramatic sometimes. It’s still kind of scary.

I walk towards him slowly. “Is that stick really too far up your ass that you’ll ruin everyone else’s year out of spite?”

“Simon,” Ms. Rowell scolds, but we don’t take our eyes off of each other. Baz’s nostrils flare, and for one long moment we’re just glaring at each other. And then he mutters a “Fine.” I’m not the one closest to him, but our stares are so intense that for a moment I think I’m the only one who can hear him.

And then he turns away. He seems like he wants to break something, but he doesn’t. Instead, he walks off stage and disappears through a curtain. It looks like he’s being swallowed by the dark.


	6. Chapter 6

I didn’t sign up for this.

I didn’t sign up for this, for a few reasons. A, I am a water cooler. My acting skills can take more, of course, but I don’t want that. I want to sit at the corner of the stage and make buzzing and humming sounds whenever someone pokes my ear (the tap handle) and get the extra credit. B, it’s a _girl’s part_. I am very noticeably not a girl. C, it’s the love interest’s part. I can’t imagine myself singing, or dancing, or holding someone’s hand in front of an audience for fucking extra credit.

I can’t imagine myself doing those things under any circumstances.

D, it’s Snow.

I did not sign up for playing a girl who sings about her feelings on a poorly-lit improvised high school stage. And the last thing I signed up for was acting in love with Snow.

Or being in love with him.

This sucks.


	7. Chapter 7

“We have to work through some changes in the script before we start going over the lines,” Says Ms. Rowell the next day. Baz raises an eyebrow. He has evil eyebrows, arching villainously above his evil eyes.

“Like spell a vagina on me?”

Ms. Rowell grips her head with both hands. “If there is one more mention of genitals in this class…” And then she takes a deep breath. “Basil, do you know all your lines?”

“Of course,” Baz replies, and gives me the stink eye. “Does he know his?”

I growl at him. But I don’t. I don’t remember my lines.

“Alright.” Our teacher ignores him. “Let’s start with changing the name of Basil’s character. We need something that sounds less feminine.” We’re all sitting in a circle, me in front of Ms. Rowell and beside Penny. Thank God I’m not in any proximity to Baz. He radiates hate, actually radiates it, and his glare is so intense that when he looks at me I’m not so sure anymore that _if looks could kill _is just a phrase.

“Are we keeping Snow’s character the same?” Asks Gareth.

“I’d like to make as few changes to the script as possible,” says Ms. Rowell, “To avoid confusion this far down the road. Hmm…”

“If Simon is Mermando,” says Penny, “Maybe we could change Mable’s name to sound similar, but be more masculine?”

“Yes,” Ms. Rowell points at her. “I like that. Class, think.”

We think. I think most of us don’t really take her seriously. This whole thing is stupid. You can’t take a love story that was supposed to be a certain way and just change it. I was supposed to be with Agatha. This isn’t how things should have happened.

“Any ideas?” Asks Ms. Rowell. “Basil?”

Baz is digging a tiny hole in the floor using a pencil, ignoring us deliberately.

“How about Table?” Asks Penny, and Baz’s head snaps up.

“What? That’s stupid.”

“I love it!” Says Ms. Rowell.

“But it’s stupid!”

“Do you have an idea that makes more sense?”

“Cable?” Baz fumes. I think he’s about to lose his shit. “Able?!”

“Too late,” says the teacher. “Table it is.”

Baz drops his pencil on the floor and walks out the door without saying a word.

“He’ll come around,” says Ms. Rowell.

I hope she’s wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s painful.

Watching Snow recite his lines is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced; and I was bitten by a bat as a child.

He barely remembers any of his lines, and what little he does he mixes up and blurts out inconsistently. It’s like watching an elephant try to run from a mouse in a china store.

I’m sitting at the front of the stage, facing the empty auditorium seats, and scratching all the names off my script.

I’ve got it all memorized already. Obviously.

“Baz.”

I don’t turn around. “I don’t care what you want.”

“Baz.” I scratch the last name off and hurl my pencil at him without looking back. There’s a _thump_, and for a moment I hope I didn’t hit him with the sharp end; my aiming skills, as well as all my other skills, are flawless.

But then he comes to sit beside me, and I regret not throwing it harder.

“Let’s practice the first act,” he says. He hands me my pencil back. I take it, not looking at him. I never look at him if I can help it.

“Ms. Rowell isn’t here.”

“I could really use the help.” He leans closer – our shoulders touch, and I flinch away. “What did you do to your script?”

“The names are stupid,” I say. He smiles, rays of sun through autumn leaves – I see it from the corner of my eye – and puts his script on the floor next to mine. The characters’ names are changed to ours, just like in mine. “I get confused between them,” he explains. I sigh.

“Of course you do.”

Why do I find Snow’s idiocy so endearing?

“Come on, Snow.” I snatch my script off the floor and hop onto my feet. “I’m your only shot.”


	9. Chapter 9

I’m not as bad as Baz makes me out to be. I get a line right here and there. I remember the rhythm to some of the songs. I...

Honestly? I’m worse.

Baz should have gotten the part in the first place. He knows all his lines. He has a beautiful singing voice (honestly. He doesn’t even seem to realize it because he’s too busy hating every moment of this). He deserves to be a lead. I don’t. But I guess it doesn’t matter, because I’m the one that’s here. Ms. Rowell calls us to start the scene from the top, because I’ve literally got three lines in it and I still managed to mess them up. Baz shoots me a nasty look. “If I have to confess my love to you one more time, I’m going to jab a stake through my heart,” he mutters.

It makes me uncomfortable. That he thinks about it this way. It’s just characters.

We get in our positions, and Baz clears his throat. The first bit is his.

_“I’m so in love and nothing’s gonna change it.”_ When he recites the words, he looks me straight in the eye and sings in a completely monotonous voice. _“I fall for him each day and I can’t shake it.”_

“Basil,” our teacher interrupts. “You’re talking to the audience, not to Mermando.”

Baz gives a barely audible sigh and rotates to face the empty seats.

_“I'm so in love and nothing's gonna change it_   
_ I fall for him each day and I can't shake it_   
_ The way he moves, the way he speaks, the way he looks at me_   
_ A gentle type of pain, a bitter fantasy …”_


	10. Chapter 10

Something is up with Baz.

He’s acting suspicious. I mean, he always acts suspicious, but lately it’s legit. I haven’t noticed it before he got Agatha’s role, but he always disappears after rehearsals. Like a mysterious vampire or something, out to stalk his victims. It’s super creepy. But when I try to tell Penny about it, she won’t have any of it.

“He’s the top of our class,” she says. “He goes to do his homework.”

Homework my ass. He’s plotting.

And I’m going to find out what he’s up to.


	11. Chapter 11

_“I'm so in love and nothing's gonna change it.”_

“Raise your voice, Basil.”

_“**I fall for him each day and I can't shake it.**”_

“You’re talking at me. You need to talk _to_ me.”

My nostrils flare. “No offense, Ms. Rowell, but I didn’t sign up for this in the first place. So either I talk _at_ you, or I’ll blow my brains out all over these walls.”

“That’s a vivid image.”

“It’s about to get even more vivid.” I take a step forward, and Ms. Rowell stands up.

“Basil,” she sighs. “Look at Simon.”

I clench my teeth. Our teacher crosses her arms over her chest. I can hear him breathe, beside me. I can see his chest rise and fall. Rise and fall. Rise and fall. Snow is like the fricking sun. Annoying. Painful, for people like me who let him burn them. But steady. The only thing in a lifetime of uncertainty that keeps you from falling apart.

Begrudgingly, I turn to face him.

“You’re in love,” says our teacher.

“No, I’m not,” I say flatly, looking into Snow’s eyes. He’s glaring at me with this weird intensity. He’s been looking at me like that for a while. I imagine him pulling me into a dip and kissing me breathless. And then I imagine him shoving a knife in my back.

_A gentle type of pain, a bitter fantasy. _

“You’re not Baz,” I hear Ms. Rowell say. “He’s not Simon. You’re Table and Mermando, and you love him. You’re so damn deep in love, and then he leaves you, and you’re crushed. Broken. Shattered. Gone.”

“I got it,” I mumble, clearing my throat.

She sits back down. “Go on.”

I give a little sigh. I feel defeated. We start again.


	12. Chapter 12

Baz:

_And here he comes, so strong, my man, my second heartbeat. _[Simon: _Am I?_]

_He doesn't have a clue how good his heart is. _[Simon: _but is it?_]

  
Ms. Rowell groans. I think she’s about to lose it for real this time. “Simon. This line is supposed to cut through Baz’s, not come after his. You enter after he says _heart _and overlap him: _his heart- but is it?"_

Snow swallows – my eyes dart to his throat – and nods. We start over.

Baz:

_And here he comes, so strong, my man, my second heartbeat. _[Simon: _Am I?_]

_He doesn't have a clue how good his heart is. _[Simon: _but is it?_]

“More emotion, Basil.”

I look into Snow’s eyes.

Baz: _I never want to see him go, just stay and touch me._

They’re beautiful.

Baz: _There's nothing I won't do for you, my Gatsby._

This line is stupid.

Baz: _I'll cross each line for you-_

My breath stutters-

Simon: _I'll make you cross it._

Baz:

_I'll leave my life behind. _[Simon: _You better do that._]  
_ Lose sight of who I was. _[Simon:_ That's not important._]  
_ For you _[Simon:_ You'll start a fire in a forest, burn for me._]  
_ For you _[Simon:_ Before your heart is ash, love, get away from me._]  
_ For you _[Simon:_ I'm just not worth it, can't you see._]

Simon:_ But you insist _[Baz:_ On burning down_]_ on burning down for me._  


The fire in his eyes burns every inch of my skin. My gaze on him is cold and uncompromising. It’s funny how hate can seem like love sometimes. And how love can seem like hate.  



	13. Chapter 13

Baz leaves out the back door again after we finish rehearsing.

This time, I follow him. He ghosts down the back stairs, out of the auditorium and through a dark alleyway that leads to the parking lot. It’s late – the sun has set, and the lampposts emit a soft orange light that doesn’t do much to keep the shadows away.

Perfect spot to get murdered. What the fuck was I thinking. When I lose sight of Baz I think I’m about to have a heart attack – he’s behind me, about to thump me or bite me or, like… breathe on my neck – but then I see him again, on the other side of the parking lot, sneaking behind cars until he disappears around a corner.

I knew it. I knew he was a sneak. I hurry after him, forgetting whatever concerns and reservations I had before.


	14. Chapter 14

It’s a wonder Baz doesn’t hear me follow him down the stairs to a shady-looking underground pizza place – or maybe he does? I don’t imagine he’s wittingly allowing me to follow him – because I make quite the ruckus as I descend. He doesn’t go into the pizzeria itself, but enters through the staff door instead.

Does he work there? I don’t think so. Will I be pissed if I just spent the past 45 minutes following my class-nemesis (arch-mate?) to his legal workplace? Ugh.

I open the staff door to a slit, peeking in – he’s crossing the kitchen towards another back door – and that’s when my phone buzzes. I startle, fussing to silence it, and go up the stairs back into the street.

“What?” I bark into it.

“Have you heard?” It’s Penny.

“No. What?”

“Ms. Rowell sent an email. Principle Mage decided to push the date forward – the play’s going up next week.”


	15. Chapter 15

“I can’t really talk right now,” I whisper into my phone. I’ve got to stop making a ridiculous amount of noise or I’m gonna _attract _a creepy vampire.

“What? Simon, this is a disaster!”

“We’ll manage.”

“We’ll-?”

The staff door opens. I eye it anxiously, but it’s just an old woman going on her cigarette break.

“Where are you?” Penny asks.

“Penny, I think Baz is plotting again. Remember tenth grade, when he tried to feed me to a goose?” The old lady blows clouds of smoke into the cold evening. I watch a tour bus go by. “It’s just like that. I’m not sure how, but he’s going to send a domestic animal after me, Penny. I just know it.”

“Simon, did you _follow him_?”

“Uhh…”

“That’s nuts! What the hell do you hope to get from it? A restraining order?”

“I was hoping for more of a proof.”

“Proof of what?”

“I don't know. Just proof.”

“Simon, this is… beyond obsessive. How about instead of trying to incriminate Baz of murder, you go home and practice your lines? Because thanks to Mr. Mustache, we have less than two weeks to perfect the play.”

From the corner of my eye, I see the door open again. “I’ll talk to you later,” I tell Penny.

“Simon-“

I hang up.

Baz is going up the stairs. I stumble backwards in an attempt to hide and bump into a bin.

Great. I missed the entire reason for my coming here. Next time, I’m putting my phone on silence, and I don’t care if Mr. Mage decides to have a bathrobe party on the roof of the cafeteria.


	16. Chapter 16

Baz: _Table, wake up._

Simon:_ I'm so in love…_

Baz: _Pack up your things._

Simon: _I'm dreaming of..._

“You sound awfully convincing, Snow. A little too convincing, actually.” Baz’s lip curls, and he ducks just in time to dodge the water bottle I throw at him. Still, he looks dreadful suave doing it.

“Shut up.”

He’s got this thing going on lately where he’ll start with my line just to see how long it takes me to figure it out and stop reading his lines. I swear it usually doesn’t work. I’m distracted today. I switch back, anyway.

Simon: _I'm leaving you-_

Baz: _Good god above- what?!_  


“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like _what_?” I fume.

“Like I’m a chocolate chip ice cream and you’re about to lick my neck.”

“I’m hungry, okay?”

“That’s not what I…” He sighs, and covers his face with his palm. “Of course you are.”

I sigh, too, although I feel kind of pleased that I managed to get a reaction out of him that’s more than a pout. Even if it is still uncivil.

Simon:

_I'm leaving you for numpties, wake up, it's time to go_  
_ I'm packing up what's left of us, it faded long ago_  
_ I thought this cherry scone might soften up the blow, so I- _  
[Baz:_ Leaving me for numpties?_]_ Get up, I need the sheets _  
_ I'm gonna slay some dragons, goblins, or whatever fits._

“I think we can stop now. There’s a double rehearsal today anyway.”

“Thank God.” Baz runs a hand through his Alex Turner hair and walks towards the stairs off stage. It’s so weird to practice together – I’m still not used to being alone with him.

When he walks past me, I touch his elbow. “Hey.”

He looks at me. Pools of gray, hard and cold. Baz’s eyes look like they’re made of pure stone – like his irises are made of ground numpties. “Thanks for helping me.”

He nods once, his jaw tight, and moves along.


	17. Chapter 17

Ms. Rowell doubled all our rehearsals, and it doesn’t work in my benefit. It should, I suppose. Practice makes perfect and all. But it just means I’m spending twice as long squinting at my script while Baz is waiting for me to get the lines right.

It’s hard to focus when a vampire-slash-cat is staring at you (rolling his eyes, occasionally, or swiping his tongue over his teeth when he thinks).

This scene is almost all mine, so it goes by slowly.

Simon:

_I wanna be a hero, fix wrongs and do some rights _   
_ Kill some vampires, grow a mustache like a man in tights._   
_ I’m leaving you-_

The auditorium door opens, and Agatha makes her way down the rows of chairs to sit beside Ms. Rowell. She crosses her arms nervously. I clear my throat.

Simon:

_I'm leaving you, pack up your things. A new adventure waits_  
_ I'll be as happy as can be not picturing your face._  


I look at Baz. He’s staring at Agatha, who’s staring at me.

“Baz? It’s your line.”

When he turns to me, his eyes are fixed on the cross pendant resting on my chest.

“Baz?” I say, stepping towards him, but he still won’t look me in the eye.

“Seems like your girlfriend wants her part back,” he mutters, slapping his script against my chest as he walks past me on his way out.


	18. Chapter 18

“What’s the matter with you?”

Baz doesn’t turn around at the sound of my voice.

“Leave me alone, Snow.” He doesn’t seem surprised that I followed him, but Baz’s expressions don’t tend to betray his feelings. If he even has feelings.

“Oy!” I catch up to him and grab his shoulder. He shakes me off, but stops to face me. We’re outside now, by the school gates.

“Why’d you say that?”

His eyebrows furrow. Like this, confused, angry, he just looks like a kid. “Agatha’s back.”

“Yeah,” I say. I don’t understand why he’s so angry. Or confused. “So?”

“So, she’s back, and now you can go back to the way things were.” He turns to leave, but I put my hand on his shoulder again. This time, he doesn’t shake it off, though he doesn’t seem too comfortable with it either.

“She’s not getting the part back.”

“Let go, Snow. I wouldn’t want to inflict permanent damage upon you.”

“Baz.” Begrudgingly, he looks at me. “You’re ten times better than Agatha was. And you’re twenty times better than me. You’re not stepping away from this.” His shoulders straighten and his jaw locks – he does that when he’s too stubborn to admit someone is right.

I say, “You’re our only shot. So just… come back.”

He does.


	19. Chapter 19

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ms. Rowell so stressed,” says Penny over her sandwich.

“She’s the drama teacher. That’s her job.”

“To be dramatic?”

“To have a nervous breakdown over Niall coming to rehearsals in his PJs, Baz slurping up an entire raw egg just to intimidate me, and Agatha showing up to rehearsals unwilling to do anything but watch.”

Penny gives me a look, but I’m not entirely there. I’m scanning the cafeteria hall, not really knowing who I’m looking for until I see him.

“We’re actually not doing so bad,” says Penny between bites. “Baz is good, I’m good… You’re becoming half decent thanks to the hours on hours of practicing with Baz – I don’t know for the life of me why would your arch-nemesis voluntarily agree to spend this much time with you in a closed space, or you with him, for the matter – and thanks to Ebb, we’ve got a goat to cover for Baz as the water cooler. Things really are starting to come together.”


	20. Chapter 20

He’s on the other side of the hall, filling his plate with spaghetti, not looking at me.

“I mean, do you ever wonder how the hell is a goat supposed to play a water cooler?” Asks Penny. I’m not listening.

He’s not looking at me, but I can tell he feels my eyes on him, because the path he picks to get to his table passes right by me.

Penny’s still chattering beside me: “Of course I can’t say anything, God forbid Ebb might hear a bad word about one of her precious goats, but come on, goats can’t hum and buzz upon request, can they?”

Baz passes by me without a glance in my direction. He thinks he’s some kind of superstar. But when my eyes drop from his face to his button-up shirt, I notice a dark red stain on the cuff.

“Blood,” I mumble.

“What? No, Simon, _water _cooler.”

“Penny, it’s blood. He has blood on his shirt. He’s… He’s-”

Penny’s eyes follow mine, and narrow as they spot the target. “Got a tampon fetish?”

“No. Evil! Penny, there’s no other explanation," I say. "Baz is evil.”


	21. Chapter 21

“Hey.”

Baz takes his time putting his fork down and looking up at me. Even sitting in the cafeteria hall with bags under his eyes – is he getting any sleep at all lately? – he looks dignified. Back straight, eyes cold.

I wonder what it would take to make him lose it.

“Can I sit down?”

“No.”

I sit anyway. He’s eating apart from his friends today – I wonder whether he’s trying not to attract attention to his bloody sleeve. Or maybe he’s decided that friends only slow him down.

“What do you want, Snow?” He crosses his arms over his chest. My eyes flicker to his hands – he twists his wrist to hide the blood – and I say: “Just checking in on you.”

He practically snorts. “You don’t care.”

“Not for your sake. But someone should make sure you’re not out there… plotting to give Mr. Mage a wedgie or something. What do evil people do in their spare time, anyway?”

“Kidnap you and hide you in a storage unit downtown where no one can hear you scream.”

“What?” I say.

“What?”

“You’re a prick.”

“Sod off, Snow. I’ve got spaghetti to pretend I’m enjoying while you stare.”

I growl at him, but he doesn’t back down. So I get up.

This isn’t over.


	22. Chapter 22

Baz:  
_You never loved me, all this time?_ [Simon: _I knew you'd understand_]  
_Do you not care whose heart you crush?_ [Simon: _your pain I cannot mend_]  


He’s looking at me weird again. Real weird. I want to call him out for it like last time, or tell Ms. Rowell, but something stops me. It’s not his usual murderous glare, or his condescending gaze. It kind of looks like he’s… hurting.

Baz: _You're leaving me..._

Simon: _For great adventures! Worry not, I'm fine!_

Baz: _I want to thump you-_

Simon: _Go ahead, that still won't make you mine_

“Hey. You okay?”

“Grand, Snow.” His face goes blank, and the pained expression is gone.

Baz: _How could you have felt in-_

“Are you sure?”

Can’t help it. Intuition. Baz snarls at me, and keeps reading, like he’s determined to make a point now. Like we’re playing a game of who’s stronger and who’s weaker, and he’s absolutely set on giving the performance of his life to prove he’s better than me.

  
Baz: _How could you have felt indifferent to me all this time? You only saw me as a foe, an obstacle, while I... While I..._   



	23. Chapter 23

Ms. Rowell has picked the worst day to sit beside me while I’m trying not to watch Snow on our ten minute break. This rotten play has put me in a sour mood.

“What’s this?” She asks, eyeing the first page of my script. I turn it over on an instinct.

“Just a joke.” I’m worried she might get mad, but she accepts my answer, lost in thoughts as it seems.

“Tough, isn't it?” She says after a while, wrapping her shawl tighter around her shoulders. Her voice is soft; softer than I care for, even though I don’t know what she’s talking about.   
“What?” I grumble. Part of me is hoping she’ll give up on whatever she’s trying to do here and leave me alone. The other part is watching Snow practically inhale half a pizza tray, and marvels at how fucking dumb I had to be to fall in love with a human garbage disposal.

“Life,” says Ms. Rowell. My eyes move to one of the female extras – kind of an obligation of pretending you’re straight. I watch with zero interest as she strips to her undershirt and puts on her costume.

“I guess.”

“I know what it's like to be eighteen and in love.”

This finally gets my attention; but I don’t move. I try to not move in a believable manner (rather than just looking like a statue). Does she think I’m in love with the extra? She plays a mayonnaise stain.  
“I'm not in love,” I reply coolly. I try not to grip the armrest of my seat too tight.  
Ms. Rowell looks at me, and then she looks at Simon (he’s still working on that pizza).

“I see the way you look at him,” she says gently. God, the woman is good.

But I’m better.

At least at playing my part. As a heterosexual. And as a table.

“Pure disdain,” I say. My voice sounds perfectly effortless.   
“I see the way you look at him when he's _not_ looking.”  
I look over at her. I’m at my wit’s end. And her eyes hold an expression so soft, so understanding, I almost want her to break down all my walls.

Almost.  
“Broody tough guys deserve to get their sweeping love stories too, you know.”  
“What about bad guys?” I ask, and it comes off bitter. She tilts her head at me.  
“My family are Trump supporters.”  
“Honey, you're not a bad guy. You were just born on the wrong side of the neighborhood.” She looks at Simon again, deliberately. “Cross the road, Basil.”


	24. Chapter 24

Ms. Rowell saw something Baz added to his script and thought it was funny, so now it’s in the play. Not just in the play; first scene on the first act. It’s _opening_ the play. It goes this way:

  
Baz: _My patience knows no limits._  
[Enter Simon]  
Baz: _My patience knows one limit._

They both think it’s hilarious. Even Penny kind of giggles silently every time Baz delivers the second line (which he does perfectly, without smiling once). I think it’s distasteful.

We’re rehearsing the last act. Baz looks bored again; only lately I can tell there’s something more under the surface when he pulls up that expression. Hesitation, fear. Pain, sometimes, whenever the play gets too intense. I don’t get it. I can never understand what’s going on in his head.

The song we’re reading is sort of a contradicting duet.

“Baz…” I say when I see his fists clench, but he just recites faster. It makes me stumble trying to keep up with him.

I’m so sick of this. Of him dodging me like this. Of trying to get into his head, trying to guess whether he’s planning a mass murder or if there’s something wrong with him or if this is all just a trick to drive me crazy or I don’t know what. He thinks if he just picks up the pace, it’ll throw me off because I won’t be able to keep up. And it pisses me off, because he’s right.

But I’m sick of playing his games. And I’m sick of letting him take over my life, consume my thoughts until he’s all that’s left. I’m done with that.


	25. Chapter 25

Simon:

_Wake up from your dream, come on, we never stood a chance_ [Baz: _So in love..._]  
_We stand on different sides, that's not a setting for romance_ [Baz: _Dreaming of..._]  
_Consider how we started, it was hate from a first glance_ [Baz: _God above..._]  


“Your line,” I say flatly. Snow is looking like he’s about to start crying. Legit. I kind of want to kick him, just to push him over the edge. He pulls himself together, though.

Simon:

_Never meant to be_ [Baz: _Don't let him see that you're in pain_]  
_You're my enemy_ [Baz: _Pretend you're not crushed clear and plain_]  


I clear my throat. It’s me who’s faltering now – these two lines just drive it a bit too close to home. I clench my fist, and harden my expression, and push forward.

Together: _can't believe you\I fell in love, I only have disdain_   
_For you..._ [Baz: _I'll tame a dragon_\ Simon: _still not good enough for me_]  
_For you..._ [Baz: _I'll hide my feelings and now hate is all you see_]  
_For you..._ [Simon: _I just don't feel for you the way you feel for me_]

I’m thinking that after graduation I probably will never see Snow again. The thought makes my stomach twist. A life without Snow would be a life without color.

  
Simon: _And if somehow you think that you deserve me then you're wrong._

A little too close to home.

  
Baz: _I'll always love you in this way, I loved you all along._

He’s glaring at me, and I think I might kiss him. Right here on stage in front of five and a half people (the goat doesn’t really count).

  
Simon: _I'm leaving you-_

Baz: _that's fine, I got so used to feeling hurt; forget I ever let you have a place inside my heart._  


There’s barely a week until graduation and I think I might kiss him and then fuck off and leave them all without a lead because I can’t take one more moment of him looking at me like he’s a moth and I’m a flame.

I think I might kiss him.

And then he kisses me.


	26. Chapter 26

“Uh… This isn’t in the script… Is it?” Says Penny. Ms. Rowell shakes her head slowly. We’re all sort of enchanted by the scene unfolding in front of us – one moment, it’s Simon and Baz reading the lines of the last act and glaring at each other like they’re about to charge. The next, they’re slipping each other the tongue.

Granted, they did read those lines with a troubling amount of passion.

I play with a lock of my sunshine-yellow hair, looking sideways. This makes me uncomfortable for so many reasons; one of them is that between Simon and Baz, I’m not sure who I’m jealous of.

Ms. Rowell shakes her head, stunned. Penny looks at me. “This wasn’t on the script – was it, Agatha?”

“It certainly wasn't on mine,” I mumble.

The next day Ms. Rowell makes them all sit down in a circle. She talks about _why do people read stories and watch plays._ (The answer is: _to get away. To have a break from reality. _I don’t really care. I only joined the drama club because Simon did, and I didn’t know what else to do with my time.)

I don’t really know why I’m still here. I guess I want to see how this ends. Ms. Rowell changes the script, because she decided that “fuck realism, who isn’t a sucker for a happy ending? And either way, we all need a win every now and again”. So Mermando and Table realize they loved each other all along and make up or whatever. I don’t know. I liked the first version better.

I expect Simon and Baz to be all over each other, now that they got together. But nothing’s changed. They still sit on opposite sides of the circle. They don’t really participate in the debate about the script. Only, occasionally, Baz will look at Simon and his hard expression will break into a small, soft smile.


	27. Chapter 27

I know I should probably stop following Baz since our… unexpected turn of events. It’s not like I still think he’s evil – like I think he secretly tortures people in his basement. But- I don’t know. Whatever it is between us, it doesn’t change what I have to do. And it certainly doesn’t seem to change him – he’s barely even looked in my direction in rehearsals since we kissed. Not that he did before. But I expected _something _to change, maybe. (reaching for my hand while Ms. Rowell chases a goat and then pretending I was the one who reached for his does _not_ count.)

Tonight, I make sure my phone is on silent. And I manage to follow Baz into the underground pizzeria staff room, and beyond it down a stairway and into a dark hallway. He enters a secret door at the end of it – there’s no door handle, but a panel he puts a code into. I catch the door right before it closes, watching a dark scene through the slit.

Baz walks into the center of the room, where a man is tied to a chair. He pulls a black sack off the guy’s head, and sits down in a chair before him. Then he puts a knife to the guy’s throat.

With an even tone, almost friendly, he says, “Where were we?”


	28. Chapter 28

“What the hell is going on?”

Okay. So maybe barging in on a guy holding a knife to someone’s throat wasn’t the best idea. And, technically, it was me who startled Baz into cutting the guy. But I did apologize. And anyway, it’s just a scratch.

I hope.

“What the fuck, Snow?” Baz stands up and points his knife at me. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

I step closer to him slowly. “Put the knife down, Baz.” He does. “What is this?” I gesture at the man. Baz walks over to me.

“Kind of in the middle of something,” he hisses.

“Why you hurt him like that?”

He huffs, and then inhales, holds his breath, and huffs again.

“You can’t tell anyone about this.”

“Done.”

“I’m… Trying to find someone. My mother’s killer.”

“Oh.” I peek at the tied up man. “That him?”

“No. But he’s got info.”

“Baz, this is wrong,” I say, and touch his elbow. “Kidnapping people. Torturing – are you torturing them? How many more are there?”

“I don’t hurt them, Snow. I just scare ‘em half to death. Don’t worry your little bunny heart – I let them go unharmed. I’m not a psychopath.”

“You just cut this guy open.”

“A mishap. Your fault, technically.”

“Oh.” I scratch the back of my neck. “I could help, you know. If you want it.”

“No offense, Snow, but it’s kind of something I need to do by myself.”

“Yeah. I… I get that.”

It’s not a pretty scene. The guy’s neck is sliced open and bleeding – it’s a superficial wound, though, and it doesn’t stop him from being an unbearable annoyance.

“So,” he says after Snow leaves. “When’re you planning on telling your mate that you're leaving a trail of bodies behind?”

I shove the knife through his heart before I leave the room.


	29. Chapter 29

It’s the night of the premiere, and there’s chaos in the dressing room.

It’s alright. Things get a bit messy before they sort out.

We have thirty minutes, and Penny’s all dressed up, so she’s looking for my left shoe. Baz is fixing his tie in front of a mirror. He looks flawless.

Once his outfit is complete, he turns to me. “Hey…” He takes my hand. “Thank you for making me do this.”

I try to read his scowl. “You don't seem thankful at all.”  
He shrugs. “Giving positive feedback makes me extremely uncomfortable.”

Chillest. Guy. Ever. Baz could beat a rock in a staring contest.

“So the play ended up growing on you, huh?” I say, and I’m holding back a smile.  
“No,” he says. “I still think it's stupid.”  
“So what made you change your mind?” I ask, and he smiles. Just a little. Like he does when he thinks I’m not looking.

“Sometimes… Maybe sometimes, it's okay to do stupid things for your boyfriend.”

Boyfriend. I like that.

And he pulls me by the hand, leading me towards the stage. I can’t hold back my smile anymore, but to be fair - neither can he.


	30. Play Script

So In Love

Baz:

I'm so in love and nothing's gonna change it  
I fall for him each day and I can't shake it  
The way he moves, the way he speaks, the way he looks at me  
A gentle type of pain, a bitter fantasy   
And here he comes, so strong, my man, my second heartbeat. [Simon: Am I?]

He doesn't have a clue how good his heart is. [Simon: but is it?]

I never wanna see him go, just stay and touch me  
There's nothing I won't do for you, my Gatsby

I'll cross each line for you [Simon: I'll make you cross it]

I'll leave my life behind. [Simon: You better do that.]  
Lose sight of who I was. [Simon: That's not important.]  
For you [Simon: You'll start a fire in a forest, burn for me.]  
For you [Simon: Before your heart is ash, love, get away from me.]  
For you [Simon: I'm just not worth it, can't you see.]  
Simon: But you insist [Baz: On burning down] on burning down for me.  


I’m Leaving You for Numpties

Simon: Table, wake up  
Baz: I'm so in love...  
Simon: Pack up your things  
Baz: I'm dreaming of...  
Simon: I'm leaving you  
Baz: Good god above- what?!

Simon:

I'm leaving you for numpties, wake up, it's time to go  
I'm packing up what's left of us, it faded long ago  
I thought this cherry scone might soften up the blow, so I-   
[Baz: Leaving me for numpties?] Get up, I need the sheets   
I'm gonna slay some dragons, goblins, or whatever fits  
I wanna be a hero, fix wrongs and do some rights   
Kill some vampires, grow a mustache like a man in tights  
I'm leaving you, pack up your things, a new adventure waits  
I'll be as happy as can be not picturing your face

Baz:

You never loved me, all this time? [Simon: I knew you'd understand]  
Do you not care whose heart you crush? [Simon: Your pain I cannot mend]  
Baz: You're leaving me...   
Simon: For great adventures! Worry not, I'm fine!  
Baz: I want to thump you-

Simon: Go ahead, that still won't make you mine.

Baz: How could you have felt indifferent to me all this time? You only saw me as a foe, an obstacle while I... While I...   


I Just Don't Feel For You the Way I Used To

Simon:

Wake up from your dream, come on, we never stood a chance [Baz: So in love...]  
We stand on different sides, that's not a setting for romance [Baz: Dreaming of...]  
Consider how we started, it was hate from a first glance [Baz: God above...]

Never meant to be [Baz: Don't let him see that you're in pain]  
You're my enemy [Baz: Pretend you're not crushed clear and plain]

Together: can't believe you\I fell in love, I only have disdain   
For you... [Baz: I'll tame a dragon\ Simon: still not good enough for me]  
For you... [Baz: I'll hide my feelings and now hate is all you see]  
For you... [Simon: I just don't feel for you the way you feel for me]

Simon: And if somehow you think that you deserve me then you're wrong.  
Baz: I'll always love you in this way, I loved you all along.  
Simon: I'm leaving you-

Baz: that's fine, I got so used to feeling hurt. Forget I ever let you have a place inside my heart.


End file.
